So I hear this Rapture thing is supposed to be happening tomorrow, when God lets down the velvet rope and the celestial doormen let the people on their list into Heaven, leaving the rest of us standing out on a cold sidewalk, in the rain, with dogshit on our shoes. Or something like that.
But that's okay, because the people who believe in the Rapture most strongly seem like people I really wouldn't enjoy spending time with. Apparently, God loves suck-ups.
Oh, wait a minute, though! Aren't you also supposed to qualify for Rapturing if you're a really really really nice person?
Well, I've always tried to be a nice person. Or, at least, not-an-asshole. I don't think the super-nice people get a choice when the Rapture happens, though. It's just *snatch*, *whoosh*, and there you are in Heaven, surrounded by crowds of annoying people, forever. What if I've been just nice enough in my life that God includes me on his to-be-Raptured list? I don't think I really want that, thanks.
I'm not even sure Heaven has cable. (I mean, hey, Game of Thrones is only halfway thru its first season!)
I think I need to run out and steal some candy from a baby or something. I need to pile up some Sin Points pronto.